This post is part of my Women in Gaming Series. Want more? Check it out here.
Part One: When we think we’re in a safe space.
About a month back I joined a private DayZ server on PSN. It uses Discord to whitelist members, has an application process to get onto the server and good, well-rounded rules. It had a nice balance of PVP vs. PVE, a good owner and chill members. There was nothing but good communication from the owner, as well as, steady updates, and changes that incorporated player feedback. A friend & I joined. We dug in, made friends and built a base. We were friendly to people, we taught others how to play and always shared what we had. It really felt like a decent place spend time and play. I was hooked!
Early on we hopped into a PSN party chat with the owner and only mod. They seemed chill. We played for a bit and everyone got along. A new member wanted to hop into the party and the owner asked me if that was ok. I was confused at first. After all, it was his party, why would I have a say?
It’s because they wanted to make sure I was ok having another male stranger in the party.
I had never experienced that kind of deliberate, pre-emptive consideration. I was shocked. In a good way!
I let them know I was fine giving new folks a try, but that if he turned out to be sexist I would leave. Both the owner and mod assured me the situation would be handled as they don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour. The owner especially said he wouldn’t allow it on his server. It was such a relief. And I was impressed. I felt like I found a server I could spend time on, safely, and make friends.
Since I’m sitting here furiously typing away, I think we all know it didn’t last. And oh my, did it unravel fast!
Before long the mod made a “joke” in the Discord server’s general chat. It was about excluding me because his base was for boys only. I called him out on it, in what I thought was a funny way, while also trying to lighten the mood. When that didn’t help I said I’d make a base elsewhere to remove myself from the situation. We weren’t exactly friends yet. I didn’t need him to show me how to play the game. I didn’t need help from him at all. But I was trying to de-escalate the situation. Isn’t that what we women so often try to do?
The Discord comment that started it all!
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I was met with a “joke” about being tied up and held against my will.
The implication was that I would be tied up and kept at the base. You know… the base I wasn’t allowed in. The irony still makes me laugh! Otherwise I was livid.
I was less nice about calling him out. The owner wasn’t stepping in so I felt like I had to call it out. I felt like since it was directed at me, it was my place to speak up. Not just that, but I had to speak up. There were other women in the server too and I couldn’t let it go. I had to determine if it was a safe space or not. After a bit of back and forth the owner did step in. It wasn’t resolved. Not clearly anyway. And I was left unsettled, but wanting to trust that he handled things off screen.
Could it have been just a joke? No. Not anymore. Not in today’s society.
People who make these “jokes” are doing so in a way that lets them say shitty things under the guise of it being just a joke. Let’s look at it closer…
I was left out based solely on my gender. Exclusion.
When I tried to remove myself from the situation I was told I’d be tied up, with the implication that I’d be forced to stay somewhere against my will. Forced confinement.
Other people joined in so it turned into a few people against one. Now we have bullying.
When he was called out, rather than realizing his mistake and apologizing, he doubled down. He made more comments. Worse comments. The situation escalated.
What would have happened next? And how is any of that a joke? Jokes are supposed to be funny. They are supposed to make people feel good and laugh about a shared humourous experience. They are not supposed to exclude, make fun of, gang up on or take advantage of anyone. Not anyone.
Things settled on Discord. I gave the mod space. I was polite and respectful but did not engage with him.
A few days later, my friend was banned from the server for making a joke about cheating.
A joke.
About cheating.
Got him banned.
No warning. No questions. No reversal. Full stop.
Let that sink in for a minute. A joke about cheating, in a game of Connect 4 (in a way that is not even possible to do) was taken more seriously than blatant sexism from a server mod.
My friend was banned from the Dayz server immediately. Later he was kicked from the Discord server for pointing out the double standards and absurdity of the situation. Because it turns out… the owner is sexist too, and he took no issue with what his mod originally said.
I learned a lot from the guys on the server during the conversation that followed. I learned that:
I took the “joke” too seriously,
I take things too personally,
I’m too sensitive,
I don’t understand sarcasm,
it was “just a joke”,
that the mod’s words were not offensive because HE didn’t find them offensive, and
there are different levels of sexism and some of it is ok. To be determined by the closest guy, of course!
I cannot roll my eyes hard enough right now. So now…
I don’t know my own feelings,
I can’t have a say over my own thoughts & emotions,
I’m not allowed to speak up when someone is being sexist towards me,
sexism is not a valid complaint,
nor is it as important as cheating, oh and this one is the best…
I need a group of men to tell me exactly how to take, and respond to, hard to navigate social cues!
I’m soooo glad these guys stepped in and told me how to understand a joke/sarcasm. Without them, I don’t know how I’d get on with my life!
BTW… that’s sarcasm. In case you couldn’t tell.
I would bet real world money that after I left I was called a crazy, emotional bitch!
At the end of the day, some of these guys turned out to be sexist jerks. Period. They seemed ok at first but it didn’t take long for their true colours to show. When a mirror was held up to their shitty actions they didn’t like what they saw. Rather than taking stock of their own actions, learning and growing, they reflected it back onto me. They resorted to the age old game of blaming the victim. No amount of talking to them will change their view.
What appeared at first to be a safe space for women, was not. What makes this one even worse is that these guys truly believed they were creating a safe, welcoming space. All the while making sexist jokes and excluding women. They quaked like ducks, but the waddle was all wrong.
Is this rant silly because it’s just a game? Sure is. And also, no. Not at all.
It is absolutely ridiculous that in this day and age we are still fighting this fight. Women make up half the population. We have jobs, can be the main bread winners, run households, businesses & countries (sometimes simultaneously!). We literally grow little humans inside of us. Yet we aren’t allowed to relax and play a game without these little pokes of sexism bursting our happy-fun-time bubble.
As a 45 year old woman, who’s been gaming for 30+ years, I’m tired of the bullshit. But you know what’s more? I’m tired of letting it slide. These jokes, that were once hailed as the end all and be all of humour, are not funny in the least. They exclude people. Whether it be sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia… They. Exclude. People.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being excluded. I really don’t think anyone does. Even if someone thinks it’s a joke, you have no idea how much someone else may have been excluded in the past. You don’t know how much someone might be struggling to fit in, or what their mental health is like. That harmless little joke might be too much of a reminder of past hardships. Does a mean, old-school joke really mean more to you than having a meaningful friendship with someone?
If so, get the fuck out of my lobby.
Excluding assholes is the only acceptable form of exclusion these days.
