About a month back I was feeling pretty down. No. I was more than down. I was going through a period of existential crisis. Maybe that sounds funny to some. I’m sure it sounds cliché to others. But I don’t know what else to call it. It was a two week period where I had zero energy, I was physically, mentally and spiritually drained, and I really questioned what the point of anything was. I’m no stranger to this feeling, and I believe most people can probably relate, especially these days. As a society, we have a lot going on and I think many people are emotionally exhausted from dealing with crisis after crisis.
I’m not going to get into the generational divide and differing perspectives on which one had, or has, it harder, because at the end of the day… Life. Is. Hard. And with the exception of the 1%, it’s hard for almost everyone. Every generation has its own unique challenges and everyone living through those challenges are going to struggle.
There I was, taking 10-20 minutes to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling, for the sixth or seventh day in a row.
There weren’t too many thoughts going through my head. There weren’t any tears streaming down my face. I was just laying there, numb and overwhelmed. I wasn’t in crisis. I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t even have a particularly bad day. I was just… kind of… fizzled out, confused and questioning life. All those little life questions running through my head… why am I here? What’s the meaning of life? Am I really going to do this routine day in and day out for the rest of my life?
In retrospect, I realized the first anniversary of my cat’s death was on me. That’s likely what initiated the feelings without me being aware of it. When I realized the date a few days later, the waves of grief washed over me again. With those waves of initial loss, the flood gates opened and the loss of everything from the last few years hit me hard. The loss of my business a few years ago, the breakdown of my marriage, the loss of both fur-babies, the loss of long time friends and all the hardships that happened over Covid.
And tucked away in a little corner, tied up in my brain, was another anniversary. One that was eating away at my insides for weeks before I put words to it. An anniversary that was leading to feelings of failure and guilt. It had been a year since I decided to take some classes, study coding and blog about it. Looking at that side of the blog everyone can see it’s pretty sparse. I know I can see it’s pretty sparse and I feel the disappointment in myself for not being further along.
I had been subconsciously realizing how much I’d lost over the past few years and how much I hadn’t done to fill that void and, admittedly, threw myself a pity party.
Despite my questioning, one thing I know is that life should be enjoyed.
I will never buy into the mentality that you have to be up by 5am, to the gym, to the office, work, work, work, work, work, get home, do your chores, go for a run, read a book a week and to bed by 10pm schedule, that so many lifestyle gurus want us to adopt.
Life is hard as fuck! Why would I make it harder by taking on a mentality of constant busy-ness? And for what? For the sake of getting ahead? Getting more? To look like a social media highlight reel? No thank-you!
And that’s what my two week existential crisis came down to… I had gotten stuck on the hamster wheel. Again.
I had let myself be pulled into the race. Again.
I was comparing myself to others and their progress. AGAIN.
It’s such a stupid, vicious cycle I don’t want to be part of. I want healthy, achievable goals, while still enjoying life and maintaining my mental health. Not too much to ask, eh?
I want to sleep late in my big comfy bed cocooned by weighted blankets, too many pillows and a giant Jack Skellington stuffy. On Sunday morning I want to eat a big brunch that will sometimes include home-made chocolate chip waffles with bacon and real maple syrup. I want to do exercises that build a healthy body while also being fun. I don’t care what anyone says, dance parties in the living room are a perfectly acceptable way to get exercise in. I’ve seen big progress in my fitness level using JustDance & Yoga Master on my PS4 (you must have known there’d be a game plug in here somewhere!) while also incorporating walking outdoors and using a weight training app. If I only read one book this entire year that will be ok. I will take my time and enjoy every word, every dance move, every bite, and every single nap.
And if it takes me the next twelve months to finish a twelve week course, then so be it. I’m still learning and expanding my knowledge base.
Baby steps are still steps.
After feeling the grief, giving myself time to enjoy the pity party and working through the why behind my feelings, I sat down to reflect on them. The goal was to take a look at my life and see where I stood on my goals. My hope was that by introducing some empathy and kindness to myself, while also incorporating mindfulness, I could get a more balanced look at where I truly was. And when I honestly reflected on my progress over the past few years I realized I’m very proud of the steps I’ve taken. I’ve actually managed to change a huge chunk of my life around. It’s now something I’m both happy with, and proud of. It’s not the most exciting life as I’m pretty chill and drama-free. But I’m ok with that. It’s a life filled with hobbies and goals that put a smile on my face and bring me peace most days.
Let’s take a look my review summed up:
- Removed toxic people from my life & continue to only surround myself with the positive ones.
- Overhauled my entire way of eating including portion control, meal planning and weekly meal prep.
- Finances are under control and I even have some savings.
- Decluttered and downsized most of my home. Donated or recycled anything I could.
- Added exercises I enjoy: more dance parties, trail walking solo and with friends, joined an axe throwing league and – a bucket list item – bought a kayak!
- Took a real vacation and continue to take regular time off to just relax.
- Finished one class on learning how to learn complex subjects and started CS50.
- Started dog and house sitting for friends and family. This helps them and gives me a fur baby fix!
- Oh and launched this entire website! I’ve played a bunch of games from the backlog pile, started streaming again and have a number of posts here. That’s not too shabby!
When I took the time to journal about that list, I realized I really have accomplished a lot. Sure there was loss. Life will always have that. And sure it’s been a slog over three years making these changes. But look at all those good, positive points! So what if I didn’t get very far on the coding side of things? I did a lot of hard work in other areas. Good foundational hard work. Having those areas sorted out will allow me more time to study in the coming year. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself!
In reality, I am very lucky. I have a level of privilege a lot of people don’t.
I was born into a white, middle class family in Canada. While I have some mental health issues, I’m relatively healthy and able bodied. I’m a college graduate and speak two languages (English & French). I’ve been working since I was a teen. I have a job where I can afford to live on my own and have a car. I don’t have to worry about paying my bills or where my next meal will come from. Finances are tight, but manageable. I have a circle of positive people around me who love and care for me, and those I love and care for in return. I have time for hobbies and small scale adventures. I am privileged. No doubt.
It’s possible I won’t reach all my goals or make every one of my dreams come true. I may never own my own house. I may never take a trip around the world. I will never read every book or play every game I want too. There are are just too many things to do and not enough time, money or energy. And life really does get in the way sometimes. But at this moment in time, overall, I’m doing well. I’m off the hamster wheel and enjoying the little moments.
Existential crisis passed.
Peace, love and wishing you a good balanced life.