Last week I was called a slutty bitch by an old friend.
I was so amused by it, I had to sit down and write about it. That ended up being the first post in this series. It wasn’t the worst post to start with, as it’s a good example of the shit female gamers have to put up with. I usually like to ease people into my ranting. Usually. So let’s backtrack a bit, and start with an introduction to this series.
A quick note on gender because I’m sure I’ll be called a man-hating-feminist! Yes I am a feminist. No. I don’t hate men. I just think some of them can… do better. Some women can do better too. But this series is taken from my experience as a woman, dealing with male to female sexism over 30+ years of gaming. I know it’s not “all men”. It’s far too many men, and done too often to ignore. This is my place to vent, share experiences and speak out against the crappy behaviour women deal with in the gaming community.
Sooo… sexism in gaming. It’s a real thing. And it sucks.
I’ve been spoken down to, chastised, banned, kicked, killed, humiliated and hit on more times than I can count. On average I receive more random friend requests than my male counterparts. They usually come about because I have an obvious female gamer tag or they hear my voice and know I’m a woman. Men feel entitled to my time and friendship. They feel entitled to it even when we don’t know each other or don’t have games, or friends, in common. And they get mad when I say no thank-you to their requests! When I decline an invitation, the conversation turns hostile. They throw insults, hate and even threats my way. Thankfully we have the tools to report and block people.
Back in the 80s-90s sexism in gaming wasn’t as prevalent as it is now. At least not in my experience. Gaming was still considered nerdy, not popular, and the ability to play online didn’t exist yet. We didn’t have the opportunities to socialize in game like we do now. The guy friends I had in high-school and college were glad to see girls gaming. They enjoyed playing with us at parties or the arcade. It was just another social activity to do. No different than going bowling or to play pool.
In the 2010s it seemed like everyone was playing online and the toxicity flourished.
Women were playing online too. We were finally able to go public with our love of games and gaming! We had always been there, but online gaming pulled us into the community in a bigger way. In a more visible way. At first we stopped hiding. We came online. We played. We made friends. But online gaming also shined a spotlight on us to those guys who didn’t think girl gamers existed. And worse, to those guys who didn’t want girl games to exist.
Nowadays, I find things are becoming a little less toxic again. Maybe it’s because the two main games I play are pretty good when it comes to playing with all genders. (Thank-you Ghost War & Red Dead Online!) The severity depends on the game, lobby and players involved. I’ve played some games where the majority of players are kind and accepting. Sometimes I’ve stopped playing games because the community was too toxic. (I’m looking at you Rainbow Six Siege.) Sadly many girls and woman have gone into hiding. They hide behind muted mics, neutral gamer tags and male characters. They vent in female only forums online and commiserate together. It breaks my heart, but I understand why.
It’s demoralizing trying to play games and have fun, only to be constantly harassed.
New lobbies are terrifying. Getting up the courage to speak on mic is nerve wracking. After I first speak in a public lobby, there is always a pause. I hold my breath, waiting to see what the next words will be. This is the tell. The sign of what kind of lobby I’m in. It’s lobby-roulette… am I safe in this one? Nope. Maybe the next will be better.
So I put up with the shitty lobbies and toxic people as best I can. Some people I will call out on their shit. Others I opt to stay quiet and quickly move on after the match. Because I am hopeful. I think that everyone belongs in gaming, if that’s what they like to do. And I think hiding will only make matters worse in the long run. The hard part is that it takes a toll. It affects my mental health and gets me down sometimes.
I hope this forum will give me a place to vent those feelings. Maybe commiserate with some fellow gamers on the struggle. Possibly…. dare I dream it… help create some positive change in the community?
